Issue #20: Potato Chip Focaccia Because We're Salty
Dear Disaster Bakers,
Almost a week ago, I baked the best ever focaccia. It's crisp, like a potato chip and enriched with so much olive oil it smells like a doughnut. But I haven't had one second to sing its praises until now. It's been that kind of week, month, millennium, period of existential woe.
I can't believe I have to write about bread a mere 48 hours after all hell broke loose on the internet because someone in St. Louis decided to slice a bagel. (Cursed photos here.) Sure, Robert Mueller issued his final determination on Russian interference into the 2016 election and President Trump's (probable!) obstruction of justice, but I think we all know this week's real disaster is the blasphemous bagels. As the artist Jenny Holzer not quite said, abuse of carbs comes as no surprise.
Not to harp, but the offensive bagels are cultural violence. Haven't we suffered enough! This is worse than the time a certain New York gubernatorial candidate ordered lox on a cinnamon raisin bagel. This is worse than when Vampire Weekend appropriated Zabar's to film a music video. And it's extra bad because these bagels-turned-loaves came from Panera, which makes them kind of antisemitic. No, I mean it!
On Monday, news broke that the German clan that more or less owns Panera and Krispy Kreme decided to donate $11 million to various nonprofits after reports revealed that patriarchs Albert Reimann Sr. and Albert Reimann Jr. had extensive Nazi ties. A spokesperson for the business said that Reimann Sr. and Jr. (both of whom are dead) should have gone to jail for their use of forced labor in World War II and condemned the crimes. So, OK?
What's worse than a bagel sliced into untoasted crackers? Donations to Hitler.
I mean I guess good for the Reimann children and grandchildren, who decided to look into their forebears' evil deeds. But I'm not about to act surprised that the same people who collaborated with literal Nazis also facilitate bagel mutilation. Russ & Daughters would never.
I know, I know. This has been 350 glib words about carb crises when what we all need is to address the fact that our president is "not exonerated," the Affordable Care Act is under attack (for the millionth time), a billionaire with terrible hair wants to defund the Special Olympics, and areas in the midwest the size of Delaware and Rhode Island combined still under water more than two weeks after storms pummeled Nebraska, Missouri, Kansas, and Iowa.
But sometimes, it helps to focus our terror. To break it down into bite-sized pieces.
How else are we supposed to metabolize the six-week abortion ban that just passed in Georgia or the latest insults that Trump has lobbed at refugees? It's impossible to take in so much bad at once. Sometimes it helps to focus it all on a not-quite bagel.
Or potato chip focaccia, which is both delicious and not problematic.
To make it, I based the dough on a formula from Saltie, a now-defunct sandwich shop in Brooklyn. And for the top, I chopped up some fresh herbs, sprinkled salt, and sliced tubers because I can. The effect is lush and crisp and, of course, the saltiest. Like a perfect potato chip. And also a little like a latke. At last! An inoffensive spin a classic. So much I don't know in this world, but I'm sure of this: No one profited off Nazis in the service of this recipe.
Potato Chip Focaccia
Servings: One 18x13-inch pan (or two 9x13-inch pans)
Distractability: 3
Scratchpad: One point for the overnight rest, which gives us time to reflect on our life choices and catch up on the latest Elizabeth Holmes drama. Two points for the sliced potatoes, which require a certain amount of concentrated effort (but no real skill) to pull off.
Notes: As I said, all credit for this recipe goes to Saltie. Gone too soon. Otherwise, the sole note is know this is impossible to mess up and requires almost zero active attention. A balm for these distracted times.
Ingredients:
6 1/2 cups (812 grams) AP flour
2 tablespoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon (or 1 packet) active dry yeast
3 1/2 cups warm water
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for greasing and drizzling
4-8 small potatoes, depending on size (I used such small multicolored potatoes that I needed more, but no need to be precise)
4-6 sprigs fresh rosemary
1 pinch coarse sea salt (like Maldon)
To-Do List:
In a large bowl, whisk together flour, salt, and yeast. Add warm water to the flour mixture and stir until all flour is incorporated and dough forms. Dough will stick to the bowl, hands, spoon, whatever. That's fine. Don't knead.
Pour 1/4 cup oil in the biggest bowl you've got. Transfer (or dump, to be more precise) focaccia dough into the container, swill the oil around to cat, and cover tightly with plastic wrap.
Move to the fridge to chill and rise for at least 12 hours, or up to 48.
To bake, preheat the oven to 450F. Drizzle an 18x13-inch sheet pan or two 9x13-inch sheet pans with oil. Take the dough out of the fridge and spread onto prepared pan. Add oil as needed so that the dough doesn't stick to the pan. Place the dough in a warm place to rise until it doubles-ish in bulk and feels room temperature to the touch. It took mine about 40 minutes to get to that point, but could be more or less depending on kitchen temperature.
In the meantime, slice potatoes very thin. Remove rosemary leaves from stems, then chop.
When the dough has risen, pat down the focaccia to an even thickness and then make indentations in the dough with your fingers, like you're drumming your nails on a table. Then spread potato slices over the top, sprinkle with rosemary, drizzle with even more olive oil, and top with pinches of sea salt.
Bake until top is golden brown, about 20 minutes. Eat immediately. (Although I find the bread still tastes optimal within about 24 hours.)
Distractions, Diversions, Avocado Paint
Your favorite brunch item is now a home decor trend. Meet avocado toast paint and the startups that want to put Sherwin-Williams out of business.
"Kris Jenner Is Frequently Compared to the Devil, and the Kardashian Matriarch Seems to Like It"
I will think about this piece on Jessica Knoll until I die. Get that bread, girl.
Fork Over That Dough
Abortion bans are up 63 percent in 2019 in states across America. It's never a bad time to give to Planned Parenthood, but now would be an extra good one.
Oh, And
Famed film director Agnès Varda died at 90. She was sometimes known as the "mother of the French New Wave" and also as the woman with great hair and no fucks to give. Here's a wonderful profile about her from The Gentlewoman.