Issue #18: Millennial-Pink Pop Tarts That Taste Like High School and Scams
Dear Disaster Bakers,
I had other plans for the newsletter this week, which of course I had to scrap the minute Lori Loughlin and a Desperate Housewife and more bad people were ensnared in a scam so massive I bet Paul Manafort shivered before the CNN news alert even dropped. What are we here for if not to take a break from our otherwise terrible political circumstances and find pleasure in the rare scandal that made Twitter good for at least nine delirious hours? I was in heaven.
For those who missed this dire blow to the absurd notion of "merit-based achievement," here is the gist: In what some believe to be the largest admissions scam ever prosecuted, rich parents bribed a test prep organization to boost their mediocre children's SAT and ACT scores and also paid coaches to "recruit" untalented children into elite athletic programs, despite their evident lack of skill. (We can't all be coordinated!) The investigation was known as "Operation Varsity Blues," for which I would like to award it the Pulitzer.
I could wax on and on about just how contrived "prestige" is or I could make a Teri Hatcher joke or I could link to one of dozens of deep dives into Jared Kushner's questionable Harvard acceptance or perhaps I could remind us all that mothers have been locked up just for attempts to enroll their children in better public school districts, no $500,000 fraud required!
But instead I'll just implore people to read this delicious, dead-pan look into Lori Loughlin's daughter's career as a YouTube influencer and leave it at that. Because I went to school and learned restraint.
Overall, it's been a decent week on the internet. Or as a Disaster Baker put it to me: "This week on Twitter has been a real intersection of all my interests: wage theft, an escaped lamb, and college scams." (The lamb was rescued, so it's OK to laugh!)
What she meant was there were a lot of distractions (like, this delectable Bill Hader profile and the obsessive, somewhat criminal feature I wrote about Barbie, who is 60 now). But there was also so much we needed to be distracted from. Some examples below.
It took executive intervention to ground a plane implicated in the deaths of hundreds of people.
A child spent almost two months in the hospital in severe pain to recover from preventable tetanus because his parents refused to vaccinate him. The ordeal cost $1 million. Someone please tell Kat Von D!
On Fox News, Tucker Carlson and Jeanine Pirro revealed themselves to be...the same repugnant ghouls as ever. Except this time, some advertisers seem to care. That's nice, I guess. But I find it hard to believe that companies now feel the need to pull dollars from Tucker Carlson's show due to his "inappropriate statements that have come to light" when he has been a craven narcissist and general cancer on our democratic institutions for over a decade in primetime. Do me a favor and read this profile that Lyz Lenz wrote for the Columbia Journalism Review, OK?
Once that's done, be like me: I closed 47 browser tabs and decided to make Pop Tarts.
I wasn't raised on Pop Tarts. (Unlike related artificial treats Dunkaroos and Little Bites chocolate chip muffins, Pop Tarts aren't kosher.) But people do tell me these anemic pastries are the millennial Proustian Madeleine and who wouldn't love what is more or less an undercooked hand pie? Plus, I felt this newsletter was in dire need of some color, and pink seemed correct.
Now when it comes to a food item that can last on shelves until the next presidential election, "artisanal" is not the aim. The aim is not even flakiness or luscious butter overtones; those usual markers of a successful Disaster Baked Good. Instead, what we want is a pliant, sweet dough that puts up no resistance and jam that explodes with berries and fruit, plus a slick of glaze so pink it seems like Glossier must have dreamed it up.
Mmm. You look good.
Millennial-Pink Pop Tarts
Servings: 10 tarts
Distractability: 8
Scratchpad: Three points for the dough that comes together like pie crust, but easier. Two points for the roll-out process, which is like a workout and a meditation in one. One point for the jam bellies, which seem impressive but take three minutes to assemble. Two points for the pink glaze, which is bound to warm hearts and Instagram feeds, alike.
Notes: We've been over this: When it comes to all-American treats, no one does it better than Stella Parks. (Find her excellent cookbook here.) I used her recipe for the dough, which was painless to roll out, if a tad adhesive. Just chill it where I've indicated, and it'll be OK. If it starts to gum up, stash it in the fridge for 10 minutes. It makes a huge difference. For the centers, I just boiled jam plus a little cornstarch and water on the stove and then doled out a tablespoon per tart. Parks makes fruit leather from scratch to stuff her Pop Tarts, but I preferred this easier and gooier filler. (Again, be like me.) Also, the glaze is optional, but I recommend it. (For a firmer glaze that's hard at room temperature, skip the recipe I have below and use one that includes egg whites or meringue powder, like this one. But know this: Mine is more delicious. Apologies, but it's true!)
Ingredients:
Tart Dough
2 sticks (227 grams) unsalted butter, cubed and cold
2 cups (285 grams) all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup plus one tablespoon (165 grams) light corn syrup
Fruit Centers
3/4 cup (230 grams) jam (I used this "four fruits" jam, but raspberry or strawberry both work well
1 tablespoon cornstarch
1 tablespoon water
1 egg
Glaze
1 cup (113 grams) powdered sugar
1/4 cup (35 grams) freeze-dried raspberries, pulverized to a dust in a food processor
2-4 tablespoons cream or milk, to desired texture
To-Do List:
Make the tart dough. Mix flour and salt in a bowl. Add butter. With your fingers, cut butter into flour until the mixture forms pea-sized lumps. Add corn syrup until mixture forms a ball. Knead until smooth.
Flatten dough into a squarish shape, wrap in plastic. Chill at least 30 minutes. (I mean it!)
Prepare the jam. In a small bowl, mix cornstarch and water. In a small pot, boil jam and cornstarch mixture. Reduce to simmer for two minutes. Remove from heat, let cool.
To roll out dough into a rectangle, sprinkle flour over a work surface; then put the square-ish dough in the center and sprinkle a little more flour over that. Roll the dough out, preserving the square-ish shape as much as possible. Here's where it gets special. I managed to roll out the one piece of dough into about a 9 x 13 inch square, about 1/4-inch thick. I cut that into 16 rectangles (so 8 final Pop Tarts) and then re-rolled the scraps for the last two Pop Tarts. I'm sure there's a smarter method here (and I'm sure it involves a ruler), but I don't know it. Whatever happens, it'll all be fine. I chilled the rolled-out dough for another 10 minutes, but not sure that's 100 percent essential.
Preheat oven to 350F.
Assemble the tarts. Beat the egg, then brush it over 1/2 of the rectangles. The egg will serve as the tart "glue." Place a tablespoon of the jam on each of the egg-washed halves of dough. Then, match each of the egg-washed, jam-filled halves with one of the "naked" dough pieces. Use fingers to press around the jam center, pushing out air. Seal the dough on all sides. Use a fork to crimp around the edge of the rectangle. Chill tarts in the fridge for 15 minutes.
To bake tarts, remove from fridge and divide between two parchment-lined sheet pans. Poke holes in the tarts to let steam escape. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes until golden, but still pale.
While the Pop Tarts cool, mix glaze ingredients in a small bowl. (I combine powdered sugar and freeze-dried fruit first, then add cream or milk until desired texture is reached.) Once tarts are more or less room temperature, frost. Pop Tarts will keep for at least a week at room temperature.
Distractions, Diversions, Silan
Soom Foods is one of the finest sellers of premium tahini on the world wide web, an ingredient near and dear to the hearts of Disaster Bakers worldwide. Now the women behind it also ship silan, a date syrup that functions like maple or a lighter, more delicious molasses in breakfast and dessert, alike. Order it.
Feels like a good time to share that Beto O'Rourke's wife and I are identical. Please send feedback, plus ideas for how to cash in on this.
There's a new "landmark" in New York, but we all know it's a glorified Stair Master that looks like one of the foam bonnets that pears and melons wear at the supermarket.
Jen Gann covers parenthood at The Cut, but that doesn't even begin to explain the issues she grapples with in this gorgeous piece about science, genetics, our expectations of mothers, and what it means to care for a child. Read it.
Fork Over That Dough
In a scant seven-ish months, I'll run the New York City Marathon with Fred's Team. The plan is to raise at least $3,500 to find a cure for pancreatic cancer. My grandmother ran the NYC Marathon well into her 60s (icon) and died when from the disease when I was 12.
26.2 miles terrifies me, but cancer is scarier. Reluctant as I am to fundraise off of you, I can truly say this is a good and worthwhile cause. We don't have to live in a world with cancer. Donate here. Then please respond with marathon tips.
Oh, And
The nice people at Cheddar TV invited me to come talk about Barbie. Watch that here. Also, I regret the fact that this sunscreen-meets-primer is too expensive, but ideal. I own it now and will have to continue to purchase it forever. Alas!
In the meantime, send recipe requests and silan Qs via DM to @disaster.baking on Instagram. ILY all.