DISASTER BAKING #17: Orange-Chocolate Buttermilk Scones With a Hint of Cardamom to Distract Us
Dear Disaster Bakers,
We've all lived several lives since this weekend, so I know it's hard to remember. But think back.
It was the annual CPAC spectacle, and Donald Trump delivered an address so insane that the CNN recap about it had to count down its 67 most explosive lines. Not the "10 Craziest Moments" or "12 Most Fascist Expressions." But: "The 67 Most Stunning Lines from Donald Trump's Epic Two-Hour CPAC Speech." That was the headline!
On SNL no one even had to mock it. To close out "Weekend Update," host Colin Jost just showed a reel from the speech, which included such choice lines as "Darlin', is the wind blowing today? I'd like to watch television, Darlin'!" and "I'm in the White House, and I was lonely! So I said, 'Let's go to Iraq!'" This happened. I swear this happened. Please, watch it.
I was so appalled and befuddled I had to make scones. I had wanted to riff on the first scones I fell for—these iced pumpkin clouds that are still on the menu at Alice's Tea Cup in New York. But then Trader Joe's was out of canned pumpkin puree. (It's not "in season.") I pivoted to blueberries, but the blueberries I saw at Whole Foods were so wrinkled and sad. I couldn't do it. Then I remembered the citrus-scented Milanos that I used to inhale and that settled it: OK, scones like that. Plus, a cardamom whisper and the zest from one full fruit. Inside, chocolate puddles. And on top? A crackled sugar lid.
Scones aren't the most popular breakfast baked good, which is a shame because a superlative one is to the standard oversized, bloated muffin what Meghan Markle is to her dad. The shared DNA is there, but the former is refined and regal and the latter is leaden, bland, and an emotional terrorist who shouldn't be allowed to speak to the press. Wait, what?
The point is scones are excellent, and this one—pumped up with buttermilk for tang and moisture, minus the egg that some recipes use as a crutch, which inhibits tenderness—is even better. I started and finished the full batch in less time than it took Cassie to break up with Colton on The Bachelor, mixing the dough in a little over 10 minutes and baking them for just under 25.
I knew this would be a hard week. So much work, a million deadlines! And then there were difficulties I didn't predict: Who knew a person could burn a hole in workout clothes with hot tools? This Jax Taylor profile derailed the resolution I'd just made to read actual books on the train! North Korea is has gone nuclear. And of course the latest, painful drama over antisemitism exploded, which requires its own newsletter to process and address. In the meantime, read a good piece I came across the last time this happened.
Earlier this week I spent 22 minutes (or around one-sixth of a Trump CPAC screed—for scale) in front of the bathroom mirror, determined to find and eradicate a white hair I suspected I'd seen. I had been late to work when I spotted the errant silver thread. I didn't mean to look for it! I just...saw it. Then I had to obsess. And once I found one, I found 10,000! For the next six minutes, I googled "reverse stress gray hair" and read entries that turned up on the first, second, and third pages of results. From all that research I learned there's no conclusive science that stress even turns hair white, but look what happened to Barack Obama!
10 minutes elapsed. I plucked one white-ish strand out and raced over to the window to examine it in direct sunlight. But—wait. Was it white or was it more blonde? 14 minutes gone. I held it up to a charcoal sweater. I stretched it taut over black tights. I looked for more. I calculated how much I would have to spend on highlights to hide them. Then I texted a friend: "I feel like I all of a sudden have gray hair. But I can't tell if it's blonde or white."
She wrote back a minute later: "Then does it really matter?"
Oh. Fuck.
Orange-Chocolate Buttermilk Scones
Servings: 8 scones
Distractability: 2
Scratchpad: One point for the scent of citrus zest. Half a point for the cardamom, which is the spice I think Diptyque would put in a candle and name "Argent." Half a point for the buttermilk, which smells a little sour and a little rich. We get to mix it in with our hands.
Notes: Scone recipes are all built from the same blocks, but most use cream instead of buttermilk and some add an egg to help bind the dough. This base is built on the ratio I like best, bumped up for a taller specimen.
Ingredients:
2 3/4 cup (385 grams) all-purpose flour
1/4 cup (50 grams) sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon cardamom
2 teaspoons orange zest (or the zest from one orange)
1 1/2 sticks (170 grams) cold butter
1/2 to 3/4 cup (80 to 120 grams) chopped semi-sweet or bittersweet chocolate; chunks or chips work fine
1 cup buttermilk
Raw, coarse sugar, to sprinkle
To-Do List:
Preheat oven to 375F. Prep two quarter sheet pans with parchment paper.
Cube butter, then place in freezer to get cold, cold, cold.
Mix flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cardamom, and zest in a medium bowl. (I used a metal one, to keep the ingredients chilled. Scones thrive in cold environments. As someone with poor circulation and a penchant for cashmere, this baffles me.)
Remove butter from freezer, and cut into dough with a dough blender. Or use fingers to work butter into dough just until the butter is in pea-sized chunks. This should look like the shaggiest pie crust you've ever seen, not fine cornmeal. As in, don't overmix.
Add chocolate chunks. I opted for the full 3/4-cup amount because who can afford less chocolate? Then pour in buttermilk, mixing until the dough can form a loose mass. It doesn't have to be a cohesive dough! It shouldn't be! Chunks of it should just be able to clump together.
Turn dough out onto a floured surface and pat into a circle about 1 1/2 inches tall. Cut into 8 wedges and divide between the two prepared sheets. Then sprinkle with raw sugar.
Bake for 25 - 30 minutes, until bronzed. Let cool. Then devour. Scones are best fresh, but this recipe freezes! If you're not desperate to eat, just stash the unbaked scones in the freezer and bake to impress houseguests, also your own damn self.
Distractions, Diversions, The Hills Are Alive
Vogue went to visit the women of The Hills reboot, who are just like we all remember, plus Mischa Barton. The result is this feature, which will haunt me until I die. "The new show is a little older, a little sexier, and more adult," Audrina Patridge explains in the piece. I believe her; this profile alone has aged me a decade!
Have we talked about Bon Appetit's incredible "Gourmet Makes" YouTube series? I'm late to it, I know. But I love it so much. In the show, host Claire Saffitz makes homemade Gushers, Kit Kats, and Ferrero Rocher from scratch. I would download Bumble BFF if it meant I could befriend Claire.
I spent $49 dollars on dried beans this week, and it was worth it. Be like me.
Fork Over That Dough
WNYC is in the middle of its winter pledge drive. I listen to the station for, like, several hundred minutes each week and think Shumita Basu is a national treasure. Please give her and NPR all the dollars so that I can continue to listen to Richard Hake forever. He is immaculate.
Oh, And
We live in the dumbest timeline. Also, I like these socks.